ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
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Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.