Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
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Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99