Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.