When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
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I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest