– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”