“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE