When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Cinematography is my passion
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?