When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
WHY?!
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math