My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.