Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Has there ever been a more American story?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*