I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
live, laugh, laundry.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Did my cat write this
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”