“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Best table by far
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
And that about sums it up.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
put ‘er there pardner!
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’