[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
When ur friends with white people
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.