MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me