[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
asking santa clause for nudes
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.