Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Lmao the reply
Money is the root of all wealth
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I triple waxed for this?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.