Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.