Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me