guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
What a website
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Love this one 😂🧟
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee