did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
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i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…