I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
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You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends