You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
There’s always that one guy
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”