My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
You Might Also Like
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.