Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
where the womens at?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that