wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
it must be school picture day
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
He just like my cat fr
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row