Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
You Might Also Like
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
britain’s three elite institutions
#growingpains
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.