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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
asking santa clause for nudes
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.