If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”