“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets