Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
You Might Also Like
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole