Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
You Might Also Like
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Yes