Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
what the
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.