[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Kids, do not try this at home!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
your honor my client chooses dare
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did