Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.