Well, this is awkward
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At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
the rocks need my help
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…