Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.