true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.