My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
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My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)