Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
do horses think humans are hats
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.