My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
The symmetry is uncanny.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?