Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back