this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Bro what is this
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.