911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
guilty
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
some Old Testament wisdom
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.