I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
this is me
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.