I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
You Might Also Like
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Every work call, he judges.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb