King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
The glockness monster
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*