I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.