*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
When he asks for feet pics
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Mhm.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.