12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.