Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
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Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Breaking news:
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up